I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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