Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
