I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
All I want is dick and wine.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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