She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
