Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
