Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
