dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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