Betty ford says i'm here all night
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
