Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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