I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
