so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Michael Bay diarrhea
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
