It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Who died my cat blue again?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
