I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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