he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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