moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize