he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
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She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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