You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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