i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
