I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
