My underwear smells like fireworks.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
