Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
