they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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