There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
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When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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