he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
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If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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