1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She told me I should be a condom model.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
