i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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