i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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