my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
