I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
