It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
