Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
