i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
