im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
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You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
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The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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