Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
