I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My ATM looks so different sober.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
