Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Randomize
