Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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