just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This is the high leading the old right now
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Success! We fucked roommates!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
