1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
