The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
