I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I could make wine with my vomit
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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