She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
false alarm. still invincible.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
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How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
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Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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