I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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