community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
