I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
