im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
