Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
