I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
