I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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