A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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