Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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