I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
