How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
