why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My ass is underappreciated
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
