My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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