Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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