I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
