apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Panties = found
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