Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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