I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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