I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
