im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
